Currently based in Chicago, IL, Unsolicited AF is a blog by Zarina Mendoza. Her posts take on dating problems your shitty friends are probably giving you the wrong advice on.

Stop Making Yourself So Available & Get A Life

Stop Making Yourself So Available & Get A Life

So you’ve been dating this guy, you’ve been hanging out a lot, and things are going really great. Then boom, all of sudden you’re planning your days around his schedule. You’re neglecting your friends and family, skipping out on gym workouts, putting off errands, and maybe even keeping certain days available just in case he wants to see you. And when he calls or texts you? Even if you’re in the middle of something, you still make it a point to answer every damn time. THIS IS A HUGE NO-NO because you’re changing up your routine just to revolve around him.

The minute you start dropping everything for a man, he will stop respecting you.

  1. First, he’ll stop asking days in advance if you’re available. He’ll even start hitting you up hours or even minutes before to see you.

  2. You’ll start getting various “wyd” texts after 10 p.m.

  3. After a few days of not speaking to you, he will talk to you as if nothing happened.

  4. You will be his last resort to make plans when he has nothing else better to do.

And at this point, you’ll be left wondering what the heck went wrong.

Why your friends are shitty

Some friends will be on your side and make it so that you’re the victim and the way he started treating you was an asshole move. Or they may even try to make you feel better by saying things like:

Maybe he met someone else.
Maybe he just got busy with work.
Maybe he’s going through something.
It wasn’t you, maybe he’s just not ready for something serious.

Which that last one, is my favorite. Come on, your friends have to have known what you did. They’re lying to you! They know that when they asked you to hang out, you told them no because you had plans with what’s his face. They know that you’ve been choosing him over a lot of things actually. All your friends usually see this happen but not all of them have the heart to tell you, “You’re doing it all wrong!” And this is where my favorite book, Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov, comes into play.

If you haven’t read it yet, it is a must-read. And before you get offended by the title, she doesn’t mean “bitch” in the way you think. The word “Bitch” represents the kind of woman who holds her ground and doesn’t move around a damn thing in her life just to convenience a man. Because as Argov amazingly said…

The more independent you are of him, the more interested he will be.

Which in my terms, it translates to…

If you’re busy, you’re busy. And if he likes you, he’ll wait and adjust accordingly to make an effort to see you.

And I’m not saying to play games and pretend to be busy — anyone can see through a fake facade. I’m saying to continue your daily routine as you would normally. For example:

  • If you go to the gym at 6 p.m. every weekday, keep going. Tell him he can take you out after you’re done and showered later in the night.

  • If your friends make plans with you before he does, don’t cancel on them. They asked you first! Tell him he can tagalong if he wants, or give him two options of days that work better for you.

  • If you have bible study, book club, pottery class, or whatever every Tuesday night, just straight up say Tuesday nights don’t work for you.

  • If you’re busy painting your nails, cooking, or right at the climax of the show you binge, do not pause what you’re doing for the likes of him. He can wait and you can call him back when you’re ready to talk.

Great guys will understand and go out of their way to see you, even if its just for a little while. One time I had an open slot where I was free right after the gym and before I had dinner plans with my roommate. Coincidentally, this guy I was dating said my place was on the way to his adult basketball league and he quickly took the opportunity and asked if he could just stop by to steal a kiss. It was adorable and he literally thanked me for letting him see me.

Another example of a guy who went out of his way was when I was extremely busy with friends’ birthday dinners and outings for a month. I was working overtime all week and my weekends were full so this guy would literally stop by for thirty minutes to pre-game with us before the festivities began just to spend time with me.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you’re going to lose out on any guy because you have plans. If you do lose him, he wasn’t that into you and you don’t want him anyways.

Having a healthy lifestyle filled with friends, hobbies, responsibilities, and alone time actually makes men want you more because he has to work to get a glimpse of you. In his eyes, you become a boss ass B I T C H because you’ve shown him that your life is already exciting without him in it. And if he ever gets the chance to be a part of it? Well, he will feel like the luckiest man in the world to get a snippet of your time. He’ll believe that every moment with you is cherished because you chose to hang out with him even with a busy schedule like yours.

Of course, there are exceptions for certain occasions. There’s absolutely room for spontaneity and surprises in your schedule. Let’s say he got seats to watch Hamilton Tuesday night. Can I get a “hell yeah!” I would 100% ditch book club, the gym, my comfy bed and my Netflix show in a heartbeat. Or if he got tickets to his favorite team and wants you to come with. Yes, there are valid reasons to be flexible at times. What truly matters is that you don’t neglect your own life for the guy. But instead, he becomes a part of your life and you’re not giving up the makings of your world just to be with him.

High Standards Are Fine Only If You Hold Yourself To The Same Standard

High Standards Are Fine Only If You Hold Yourself To The Same Standard

Date Someone You Actually Like Or Just Enjoy Being Single

Date Someone You Actually Like Or Just Enjoy Being Single