Currently based in Chicago, IL, Unsolicited AF is a blog by Zarina Mendoza. Her posts take on dating problems your shitty friends are probably giving you the wrong advice on.

Quit Ghosting Guys & Tell Him What Went Wrong For The Next Girl

Quit Ghosting Guys & Tell Him What Went Wrong For The Next Girl

When you decide to stop dating someone you’ve been seeing for awhile, you’re supposed to leave them a little better than how you met them. So please, do the next person a favor by telling the guy why you don’t want to date him anymore. And don’t be afraid to ask what you could’ve done better as well.

Because if you don’t learn from your past relationships, how are you bettering yourself for the person you’re actually supposed to be with?

Nobody you ever date is a waste of time AKA it was a season for a reason! It’s only a waste of time if you continue the relationship with no intention of a future. And if you feel that you want to end it, don’t go cold turkey on the poor guy like your friends would suggest.

Why your friends are shitty

Some of your friends will try to convince you that you don’t need to give him a reason why you’re ending it and that he doesn’t deserve anymore of your time. Sure, the latter part may be true, that he doesn’t deserve another second of your time. But the part about giving him an explanation is something you should do. It is closure for you and an opportunity for him to know what went wrong. I for damn sure wouldn’t want to be left on read and ghosted, nobody would. It’s a horrible feeling. So, why would you burden someone else with that feeling?

End things on good terms. You’ll feel better you did and you’ll get a sense of relief that you were able to help this guy learn something he might not have known about himself without dating you. I always think about this quote from Mitch Albom’s, The Five People You Meet In Heaven, whenever I choose to end things with someone:

Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else.

Basically, although you may not see a future with this specific man, that doesn’t mean you’ve lost in the game of love. Believe it or not, you’ve actually learned a few things during your time with him. What, you ask?

you learn what you don’t like

This is so important and why we all date in the first place. A lot of people think we date to marry, but in reality, we date to learn what we like and what we don’t like. Like if you want someone who:

  • Has the same type of humor as you or takes everything a little too seriously

  • Has a similar work schedule as you or if you’re flexible

  • Has the same traditions/religion or it doesn’t matter

  • Loves brunching as much as you do or despises breakfast food

  • Prefers holidays with family or jet setting for a holiday vacation

  • Is a dog-person or a cat-lover

  • Is a night owl or early bird

  • Enjoys dancing and karaoke or neither

  • Is an introvert that you don’t mind staying in with or an extrovert that will inspire you to get out of your comfort zone

  • Is a fly on the wall or the life of the party

  • Is adventurous and spontaneous or rigid and inflexible

  • Dreams to live in the same place you want to end up or is happy where they already are

There are a million things I could list here that you can learn while dating someone. And sometimes a handful of small things are reasons why people are just not a match for each other. But that doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk to the guy you don’t want to see anymore. Help him learn something that the next woman he dates will be thankful to you for.

A time where I learned a lot was when I fell pretty hard for a guy who had the same feelings about family during the holidays as me and man, it was like finding a needle in a haystack. We both weren’t big on religion, our inside jokes were endless and kept on coming, we f*cking loved brunching in the mornings together, and he was just always down for adventures too. I mean, I did not know that a lot of those things were so important to me until I met him. And although things didn’t work out, I’m grateful for him to teach me what I wanted in a partner because he showed me it was out there.

An entirely different story was this guy who was so opposite from me that I could count on two hands what we had in common. I am 100% a dog-person and yes, I stop to pet any dogs with owners who let me. This guy was a cat-lover, even cat-sat for my good friends for the holiday — and FYI I hate cats. He preferred listening to podcasts and I’m a new music fiend. He didn’t like dancing and I love to. But those things alone weren’t the dealbreakers, what was, was how he was socially.

You know when you bring someone around and you feel like you have to entertain them or else they’d just stand there awkwardly while everyone else is talking? That’s how I felt the multiple times I brought him around my friends because he just didn’t know how to vibe or even talk to them. I mentioned it once very clearly to him to give him a heads up but I am not here to change somebody’s personality. And after one event, I just knew it wouldn’t work out. So how did I end it?

When you date someone for weeks or even a few months, I believe they deserve more than just a text or nothing at all. So, I blatantly apologized and told him I was losing interest then offered to meet him in person if he wanted to know more of why I was ending things. Now, maybe he’ll work on his social skillset or maybe he won’t. Point is, I didn’t ghost him. Instead, I told him why things went sour.

And who knows? Maybe it will help him for the next girl who actually appreciates all the things he likes to spend his time on. There is someone for everyone. You try it out and see, and if it ends, that’s okay too. And I’ll say it again, as long as you’ve learned something on the way or helped him learn something, it was worth it.

Of course, there are exceptions to ghosting as well. I’ve had to once. I told this guy probably a good 10x why I didn’t want to date him anymore. And he just would not listen — which btw was the top reason I ended the relationship with him. I literally held his big ass head in between my two hands, looked him in the eye, and told him that, “Someone will like you for who you are, but that person is NOT me.” And he continued to reach out to me via text, phone calls, Instagram, Snapchat, and after I had to block him on all those, he even reached out on LinkedIn. I had to fully ghost him on all platforms.

So, if they’re not a listener like that one guy I dated, sometimes ghosting is all you’ve got. For the other men, help a brother out for his future wife.

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