Currently based in Chicago, IL, Unsolicited AF is a blog by Zarina Mendoza. Her posts take on dating problems your shitty friends are probably giving you the wrong advice on.

Avoid Small Talk & Build Chemistry From The Moment You Meet

Avoid Small Talk & Build Chemistry From The Moment You Meet

Here you are.. facing a handsome man you’ve approached at the bar. Your confidence is on a high and you’ve practiced your art of conversation so you’re feeling comfortable and in control. Yes, of course start with learning his name but do not go for the basic bitch questions:

So… what do you do?
Where are you from?
What are you drinking?
Who are you here with?

And please do-f*cking-not mention how cold or hot it is in the place. Because you might as well be wearing a potato sack ‘cause the personality you’re showing is bland AF.

Why your friends are shitty

Some friends will kill your game immediately. They see you've connected with a guy and do one of the following:

  • Stand there awkwardly the entire time.

  • Be an asshole to his friend and not take one for the muhfuggin’ team even though you bet your ass you would!

  • Tell you they want to leave and that the place is lame.

These are bad friends and even worse communication. You guys should establish an understanding of what can go down if you potentially meet a bae for the night. Whether it’s a look, a secret code word, or you want out and need help to get a dude away from you; talk about expectations for the night to come and get on the same page. Nobody wants to hurt each others feelings but also, nobody wants a guy who will shun out their friends — but more on those types of guys later.

Anyways, avoid small talk and get to the deeper questions that’ll get you to know the type of person he is in a short span of time.

Here are some of the steps that have worked for me where I’ve gotten men to open up and before I knew it, more than an hour has passed, I know his entire life story, we’ve exchanged numbers, and he’s already told me he has a place in mind to take me on our first date. Get a man comfortable and he’ll open up to you. How you ask?

poke fun at him

A great way to break the ice is by joking around. No, I’m not talking about knock-knock jokes and lame ass pick up lines. I’m talking about live, on the spot, witty shit. For example, one time at a bar in Williamsburg, a gorgeous man started dancing behind me. And then, waving right before my eyes, he was holding an empty drink in the air like he just didn’t care and I couldn’t help but laugh and call him out on it. Next thing I knew, he grabbed my hand, took me to the bar, and we chopped it up about his insecurities, dreams, and his very interesting expertise in mathematics. The single act of joking with him was an unexpected start to a conversation that led to making plans with him that same weekend.

let him do the talking

I don’t remember exactly how I picked this trick up, but it is genius because men love talking about themselves. And when you let them do so, you can get all the answers you need to hear to see if he’s interesting enough and worth pursuing. By the end of the night, this man will feel like he’s so close to you after sharing so much that he won’t even realize you haven’t revealed squat about yourself.

don’t be judgy. Be Empathetic.

It’s very important to pay attention to body language when a man speaks. Like if talking about his family is a touchy subject or if he’s looking down at the table instead of in your eyes when he talks about his career, you must be very sensitive. Because how you approach your next sentence can instantly shut him down or catch him by surprise to open up even more.
I once had an amazing guy take a seat right across the table from me and after fifteen minutes of great banter, he blatantly lied about what he did for a living — I’m very good at sensing vibes so I don’t know how I knew, but I knew that wasn’t his job. So I convinced him to tell me what his career was for real. Under his breath, he explained he’s NYPD and for background — a little over a year ago, it was a pretty scary time to reveal you were a cop. I approached this in one of the following ways.

  1. Was done with him ‘cause F*CK THE POPO’S!

  2. Looked him in the eyes, showed I understood, and gave him a reason to trust that I wouldn’t judge him.

Guess which one I chose. No. 2, of course. But because I chose to show empathy, I ended up dating this great guy for months.

The chemistry you build from the moment you meet is truly up to you. It’s based on the questions you ask, how you react, and how comfortable you can make a man feel to get them to confide in you. Here are a few of my favorite question starters:

So tell me.. what’s the biggest thing wrong with you?
What’s the best thing you’ve learned from an ex?
Tell me three reasons why I should give you my number.
If you could tomorrow, where would you vacation and why?
What’s your dream job? And are you on your way there?

Overall, avoid useless small talk, don’t be afraid to not take yourself so seriously, and be invested in learning who he is. There are a lot of great men out there, but sometimes you just have to make the effort to have a conversation worthwhile.

If He Shows You Who He Is, Believe Him

If He Shows You Who He Is, Believe Him

Practice The Art Of Conversation On Men You're Not Attracted To

Practice The Art Of Conversation On Men You're Not Attracted To