Currently based in Chicago, IL, Unsolicited AF is a blog by Zarina Mendoza. Her posts take on dating problems your shitty friends are probably giving you the wrong advice on.

If He Shows You Who He Is, Believe Him

If He Shows You Who He Is, Believe Him

Some of us act like we’re colorblind when we see a red flag and trust me, I’m guilty of this myself. But man, oh man. If I would’ve paid attention to all those red flags? I would have months of my life back and I only have myself to blame for sticking around longer than I should’ve.

Why your friends are shitty

Some friends will try to convince you:

That he’s a nice guy.
To give him a second chance.
He’s so hot, he’s worth it.
Wait no.. just use him for sex, it’s fine.

Red flags are red flags. F*ck what your friends say and run away!

Falling for potential is the worst waste of time.

he brings up his ex any chance he can get

Yes, this is a red flag that everybody knows but I still believe it’s crucial to mention. I was in this position once before and we had such a great connection that I thought I could help him get over her. I definitely didn’t feel like I was a rebound, so I ignored it. He was everything I wanted: romantic, witty, had all the physical attributes, a great career, and of course, made me feel so special any chance he could. I felt extremely lucky. But months in, he would still bring her up. And as I was there with his family for Thanksgiving, the sound of her name came about and I could see it still hurt him deeply.
In Steve Harvey’s book, Straight Talk, No Chaser, he made an eye-opening analogy, that you can’t get a new car until you’ve taken care of ridding your old car from the driveway. Basically, there’s no room for a new relationship if you haven’t done the work of cleansing your thoughts and emotions from a past one. So, I had to end it. This is the heartbroken man. He wasn’t ready for someone new to be a part of his life because he still had a ton of work to do on himself.

he doesn’t keep his word

Have you ever met a great guy who claims he will take you some place you’ve been dying to go? Or promise to come over and help you with that one thing you need to get done? Or be there for you and surprise, surprise… not show up? This is the empty promise man and this man will string you along for as long as you let him.
Of course, consider the circumstances and your gut feeling if you do believe he will actually keep his word. But a man who doesn’t do what he says he’s going to do is point blank, a man you can never rely on. Pay attention to his reasons for bailing and be self-aware of making excuses for his actions. There’s not much more to say about this type of guy than to run away.

He avoids getting to know your friends

You can spot this red flag the moment you meet a man. Picture this, you’re out with a friend and a man approaches you. Of course, he chats you up a bit first but then he doesn’t even try to include your friend into the conversation. He doesn’t have a friend for your friend. He doesn’t offer you both a drink. And he intentionally tries to shun her out so he can get to you, and you only. This is my personal turn off.
Most likely, this is the same type of man who, if you choose to date him, will 100% not make an effort to get to know your friends. He is the short-term man. He doesn’t care to know your friends because he has already planned that this relationship won’t last. You bring him around your crew and he won’t try to learn names, he won’t be asking them for stories about you, and your friends should notice and immediately tell you to lose the dude’s number (unless they’re shitty friends).

He never seems to care about the big events in your life

So I was dating this guy. We were about two months in and I get a call that my grandpa is on hospice care so of course, I have to fly back to my hometown in LA. I decide to stay through the weekend and I specifically let this guy know I was seeing my grandpa and the entire family on Thursday. This was a huge deal for me and the person I was exclusive with didn’t reach out at all. However I wasn’t worried yet, maybe he just wanted to give me space. But I landed back in Chicago, gave him a call because he still hasn’t reached out to me for three days, and when I called, I was shook.
As I started talking about my family and the events that occurred, he completely forgot the sole reason I was there. I continue to just tell him the story and he changes the subject as I’m getting to the climax of what happened… turns out, he wasn’t even listening.
A guy like this is the self-centered man because he doesn’t pay attention and doesn’t ever follow up on the important moments that are meaningful to you. Sure, this type of man asks you general questions like, “How was your day?” Which is definitely not bad at all, but he never seems to ask you anything specific like:

How did your big meeting go?
Did you get the job?
How is your grandpa doing in the hospital?
What happened with (the big emotional event you told him about)?

You always have to be the one to bring up these things because you want to talk about it — and when you do bring it up, he doesn’t really give a f*ck. He changes the subject so he can talk about himself more. You can rarely force someone to care or teach them how to love you.
So, get a man that listens to you and is actually interested in what is going on in your life. A man who doesn’t make an effort to get involved in your world is not a man you should have around.

He tries to control you

This is the probably one of the worst red flags of all because you may not notice until a few weeks in of dating. He’ll start to do it subtly with asking you to change your plans with your friends because he misses you too much. Then when he’s comfortable enough, maybe he’ll mention how he doesn’t like a certain color on you or even suggest you not wear a certain outfit. Next thing you know he’ll be watching your every text and tell you to stop being friends with your besties. First of all, F*CK THIS GUY! It could only go downhill from there. There could be many reasons for him being this insecure but let’s just call him, the possessive man. It’s just not healthy.
Whenever a man has ever pulled this stunt on me I’ve immediately called them out. Because as a grown ass woman, nobody should tell you what you can and can’t do. Don’t ever lose yourself in a relationship because it’s very important to be your own person.

There are far more red flags than what I’ve listed here but those are the biggest lessons I have learned from personal experience. Men are simple and you can typically see the signs from the very first date. So if they show you who they are, believe them because if you ignore it, you’re the one who may end up getting hurt from the guy who just isn’t for you.

First Dates Are Important To Learn Who's Worth Your Time & Who's Not

First Dates Are Important To Learn Who's Worth Your Time & Who's Not

Avoid Small Talk & Build Chemistry From The Moment You Meet

Avoid Small Talk & Build Chemistry From The Moment You Meet