Currently based in Chicago, IL, Unsolicited AF is a blog by Zarina Mendoza. Her posts take on dating problems your shitty friends are probably giving you the wrong advice on.

Check Your Baggage Before Getting Upset

Check Your Baggage Before Getting Upset

Let’s first discuss baggage and what the definition of it is.

baggage [bhag-ij] noun
Problems from past relationships that you bring into new relationships when that person has done absolutely nothing to deserve it.

I’m just going to put this out there: there is NOBODY in this entire world who doesn’t carry some form of baggage unless you just popped out of the womb. And honestly, it doesn’t matter if you have baggage, what does matter is if you let it affect your relationships.

So, before you get into another relationship, start with a clean slate. This current person is not your shitty ex, deadbeat dad, degrading boss, mom, brother, sister, crappy friend, etc. This person is just that, a new person that has nothing to do with how any of your past relationships have treated you — so, treat them as such and do not make the mistake of comparing! No man or woman are the same, the only common denominator is you and how you react to every situation.

Why your friends are shitty

Some of your friends are just plain agreeable. If you say the person you’re dating is ignoring you, they might just be prone to hop on the shit-talking bandwagon. If you say they remind you of your ex, your friends will help you prove they are exactly like your ex and offer to drive the runaway car. If you say they’re treating you like you’re not important, your friends may automatically agree and say you deserve better. But what you have to remember is, your friends don’t know anything but what you tell them and as we all know, there are three sides to every story: yours, theirs, and what actually happened.

So, how do you check your baggage? Let me tell you.

Ask yourself, is this person truly acting different? or are you overthinking it?

Here’s the scenario: you meet a person, you go on a date, the date goes really well, and all of a sudden this person is not responding to your texts as rapidly as you want them to. You freak out, you’re questioning whether they like you or not and you’re replaying every moment over and over in your head. Here’s the truth, you went on one date. Chill.

You have to ask yourself what the person’s texting style was in the beginning. Was he/she always slow to respond? Are you just noticing now because all your focus is on them? Don’t go off giving this person attitude once they do respond for not responding to you in the amount of time you’ve allocated for them. They don’t owe you anything and they definitely don’t deserve your out-of-nowhere sass. Play it cool, keep living your life like normal, and continue to date other people so your energy isn’t focused on how many minutes it takes for one person to text you back.

Instead of assuming, just ask

Jumping to conclusions will end a relationship before it even begins. Let’s say you’ve consistently been talking to someone and one day, you don’t hear from them all day. Or you usually call each other goodnight, and this one night, you didn’t. You automatically think they’re out here sluttin’ it up, that they’ve met someone else, or just any other worst case scenario your crazy head comes up with. And when they finally get back to you, you’re pissed. Let me reiterate again, this new person you’re dating doesn’t deserve this! Especially if this was the very first time.

Instead of assuming the worst, ask what happened, if they’re alright or even better, tell them you missed them for the time they were absent. Life is unpredictable and shit happens. They could have lost/broke their phone, been busy with a work emergency, or some private family matter could’ve kept them from communicating with you. You like this person for a reason, so give them the benefit of the doubt unless they prove otherwise.

are they really treating you like crap? or are you too needy?

Try to distinguish what your triggers are that make you upset. Did this person say hi to a friend of the opposite sex and you got jealous? Did you have to wait because they simply took 10 minutes to get ready instead of 5? Did they poke fun at you and you took it way too seriously? Learn the difference of when someone actually treats you like crap versus you showing your insecurities.

If an ex cheated on you before, that doesn’t mean this new person will. If your friends always took their sweet time getting ready, that doesn’t mean you have to take it out on this person. And if you have had history of a person who always belittled you in the past, again, that doesn’t mean this new person is doing the same! Point is:

Don’t let your past dictate your future.

You are completely capable of keeping your baggage in check. Instead of reacting, take the extra time to think about the situation to see if it’s truly them, or your past relationship problems creeping up on your new fling.

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