Currently based in Chicago, IL, Unsolicited AF is a blog by Zarina Mendoza. Her posts take on dating problems your shitty friends are probably giving you the wrong advice on.

If You're Not Happy With Yourself, Don't Date

If You're Not Happy With Yourself, Don't Date

So let me start by saying, misery loves company. And when you’re unhappy with how your life is currently going, you may be unknowingly oozing negativity. I, for one, was definitely doing this not too long ago — a few weeks ago to be exact.

It was mid-date when I realized I was just complaining about my life this entire time to this awesome guy. And if you know me, you know I don’t complain about much — so it was super out of character. But here I was, on a Saturday night, on a second date, at my favorite sushi spot, with a nice red wine in hand, sitting across this great guy that I wasn’t even paying attention to.

I was too busy explaining what I hated. And thinking back on it now, I was even doing this on the first date! I can’t even tell you how many times I said the words, “I hate…” I hate mezcal. I hate cats. I hate blah blah blah. Let’s just say, I knew there wasn’t going to be a third date because nobody wants to be around that. I wouldn’t even want to be around that! So, I salute this guy for sticking out the whole date, honestly.

Why your friends are shitty

It’s not your friends’ fault they want to make you feel better about a guy not wanting to see you again. Or be hopeful that it probably wasn’t as bad as you described it. But in my particular case, it was 110% my fault.

I came home that night, called up my girlfriends, and told them how boring this guy was to complain again instead of just admitting how negative I was. And here’s what they said:

“He’s a lawyer, he’s trained to not answer questions so deeply. Maybe that’s why there was so much small talk.”

“Dude. I’m sure it wasn’t that bad, he’ll ask you out again.”

“Sometimes guys just take longer to open up. If he asks you, go out with him again!”

I knew for damn sure he wasn’t going to ask me out again. And he didn’t. My miserable self just needed to complain, yet again.


So, after that date I ultimately decided to take myself out of the dating scene until further notice. My point here is:

Don’t look for happiness from someone else. It never works.

First and foremost you need to find out what your problem is. It’s important to figure out exactly what is making you unhappy and take the steps to getting back to your norm. Is it your job? Is it your friends? Your living situation? Your attitude? Whatever it may be, you have to do something about it before you find yourself spreading your negativity to others like what I was doing.

You don’t have to be as drastic as me and put in your three weeks notice and move to a new city by the end of this month.

But if you’re not happy with your life, go hit the gym, make time for friends, cry it out, read a self-help book (or five), go to therapy, get a haircut, have a spa day, literally write down what you’re grateful for and what is making you feel depressed. I’ve done all the above to help, minus therapy — only because my insurance doesn’t cover it.

But seriously, just do something to make a change. And try not to wait too long and scare off a perfectly good guy like I did.

Check Your Baggage Before Getting Upset

Check Your Baggage Before Getting Upset

Getting Too Comfortable Can Cost You Your Relationship

Getting Too Comfortable Can Cost You Your Relationship